So, I have decided to write a commentary on the Revelation of John.
There are several reasons behind this. For starters, everyone knows writing a commentary is how you make it into the “big leagues” in the realm of theology. It is also a well known fact that approximately 83% of evangelical commentaries say basically the same thing about any given passage and typically just reword each other. (Save their relationship to the freewill/sovereignty, dispensational/covenantal, and emergent church pop Christian culture questions.) Finally, any one who writes a commentary on the Revelation gets bonus points for walking off into that minefield.
Therefore I have devised a plan that will, in one stroke, make me famous and provide Christian readers the world over with new, valuable information they must know about the Bible.
In fact, I believe I have discovered the true identity of that one world government everyone is always saying the Apocalypse predicts.
It is Google.
Now before you dismiss my hypothesis as pure lunacy, look over the following information carefully. Certainly, anyone presented with the astonishing amount of evidence I have gathered, will see the uncanny resemblance to John’s vision in the Apocalypse.
We already know this much:
They know more about you than you do. It is common knowledge that Google controls how we find information. But in the process, they know where you surf, when you surf, and the way you use the internet. They read the emails in your Gmail account, they know what documents you store in their applications, and they know everything you type into their search engines.
So they know all of your personal information, names, phone numbers, address, where you hide your comic book collection, etc. As a matter of fact, they may be reading this post right now. After all, Blogger is a Google product.
They have already mapped out the entire world in preparation for ruling it. Two words… Google Earth.
Now with its street view, I can stare in the windows of my own house. Creepy.
Their attempts at mind control. They already know everything about you, but they are not stopping there. Have you ever noticed the precision of the advertisements they stick on the sides of all the websites you visit? It is because they take all of that information they know about you and use it to target you with their mind games.
Why else would my Gmail account have ads with headlines like, “Are you a 28-year-old male living in Africa whose strawberry blonde hair is already falling out? If so, try this product for baldness.”
Oh, and do not get me started on Google books. Wanting to make every book ever written available online… why would they do that?
They have already amassed a great deal of power. Slowly stockpiling influence over the last decade, Google has built an online empire with immense power. This was demonstrated when Google almost went to war with China last year.
In recent news, Google has actually relocated a city in yet another attempt to flex their muscles.
They have begun to initiate proposals for the Mark of the Beast. As if all of the above evidence is not enough, former Google CEO, Eric Schmidt, proposed children change their identities to avoid the trails they leave in the Google memory banks. This is obviously just the first step in a master plan to insert microchips into our hand or forehead.
If, after hearing the facts, you still need convincing, be on the lookout for my commentary. It should hit store shelves as soon as I find a publisher.
In the meantime, it is all over the web… just google it.
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